wow i havent had sex in forever like literally forever because im a virgin
me: mom, i need money
mom: what? did you spend those two dollars i gave you in 2003 already?
Have you ever wanted to kiss someone really really badly But you can’t because they’re taken, not interested, too far away, don’t know you exist, or fictional
melanoleuca: Remember when there was a 7 mile spanking machine on spongebob and no one said anything about it ever
drfrankentweed: Happy 5th November - have Matt...
lolsofunny: I love how Cole Sprouse used to be this and now he’s this It’s like watching Tom Riddle turn into Voldemort via lolsofunny=)
Okay fine... Don't text back.
sodamnrelatable: via sodamnrelatable
ghettofabulouis: people who complain about guys hitting on them wow your life must be hard guys find you attractive that must suck a lot i feel for you
Astronomy professor: Please explain the big bang theory.
Me: Our whole universe was in a hot dense state, then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait... the Earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools, we built a wall, we built the pyramids!! Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries, that all started with the big bang! HEY!
dogesexual: oh yeah yesterday we had a small class voting poll for who should be president and i asked the guy next to me who he was voting for and he said romney and i asked why so he said “first obama supports gays and i hate gays second romney’s rich third obama’s a bitch” and he was dead serious this is why there is an age requirement to vote
grimshawismyspiritanimal: I guess you could say david tennant is pretty saucy
YOU KNOW I DON’T THINK THIS IS HOW THE SONG...
Screw school I’m gonna become a pot dealer and sell many other useful kitchen untensils.
earthnation: littledimeboulevard: earthnation: in 5th grade my school banned smarties because a kid crushed them up and snorted them and passed out When I was in the fifth grade a bunch of boys decided to smash up chalk and sell it as crack. So little kids snorted it and the chalk turned to a paste that hardened like cement inside their nasal cavities. They had to get it surgically...